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  • Mike D. 12:29 pm on March 30, 2014 Permalink | Reply  

    9th Annual Inaugural April Fool’s Day Open to Raise Awareness Rules/Regulations/Suggestions/Apothegms/Words to Live By 

     

    Image

    STEP 1: Choose someone to read the rules on each tee box.
    STEP Egon From Ghostbusters: Check in on the FaceBooks…or Twitters…or FourSquare…or whatever the cool kids are doing these days…
    STEP Phlegm: Rule Reader Person assign a Score Keeper Person…that person is in charge of math…math is hard
    STEP 3Orange: Rule Reader Person start reading…have a fun day
    STEP Purple: Please take pics/video

    Format: Two person team. Both teammates tee off. Choose and use best ball, then alternate shots.
    Course Rules: Please remember that this is not a Bur-Mil Park sanctioned event. If you are trading favors for tattoos, please do it behind the golf cart shed…and buy a few beers from Bur-Mil to make us appear bonafide.

    AFDO Etiquette
    • Triple bogey is max score. Other than relay holes, put the ball in your pocket after your 6th shot
    • Please look at, fondle, get to know and remember your balls. Do not play with, hit or inappropriately touch another team’s balls. (After 5 jello shots this rule is void…play away…)
    • Ready golf. Swing away when ready, but warn those ahead of you. (Do not swing if there is a chance you might hit them)
    • Please let those not participating in the AFDO play through.
    • Taunting is encouraged on every hole. Please verbal taunting only. If you provoke your opponent to the point they take a swing at you, deduct a stroke from your score. If they cry, 2 strokes.
    • If you are in the last group, please bring the implements left on the tee box (tennis racquet, shovel, etc

    Hole #1: Nothing But the Net Hole
    • Consume one beer on this hole. Must be finished before leaving the 1st green. Save the beer can. Take it with you. Seriously.
    • If you go over the net to the right, you are your Eight-some’s caddy for this hole. Carry all their stuff to the next tee box. (If more than one person goes over the net, share the load).
    • Both team members drive; play best ball

    Hole #2: Lady and the Tramp Hole
    • On the tee box, prior to teeing off, each member of your team take an end of the provided hot dog in your mouth. Eat until the hot dog is gone. If any piece of the weenie hits the ground add 2 strokes to this hole’s score. (This is a good time to taunt)
    • Tee off the beer can that you have been carrying with you. If you disposed of it, please drink another beer post haste
    • Both team members drive; play best ball

     

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    Hole #3: Funny…I Don’t Feel Wiffley Hole
    • Use the Wiffle type ball provided, tee off with the tennis racquet.
    • Only one Team member tees off. If the second team member is unhappy with the drive, and can retrieve it in less than 20 seconds they can take a turn with the tennis racquet. (Time them…if it takes more than 20 seconds add 2 strokes to their score)
    • After the drive, switch to clubs. Alternate shot. Flag stick must be hit with the waffle-type ball.

    Hole #4: Handwedge….mmmmmm…Sandwich…Hole
    • Eat some jello
    • Each team member throws their drive.
    • Choose the best ball.
    • Alternate shot, throw/roll your ball until it is in the hole.

    Hole #5: That is Just Not Right, Baby Hole
    • Alan and Liz almost have a baby name. It is not very funny. Each team come up with a name that they should name their baby (Gomer Akeem is already taken), and text it to Alan
    • Take the baby booty provided. Place it on the head of a golf club. Each team member hold the club at the grip for the entire hole.
    • Carry the booty to the hole and drop it in the cup.
    • If you drop the booty, stop and replace it on the head of your club.
    • First team to get the booty in the hole gets a 1, 2nd team a 2, etc.
    • I just like typing “get the booty in the hole.
    • EXTREME TAUNTING HOLE

    Hole #6: Choose Your Weapon Hole
    • Tee off using either the Shovel, Jai Alai Stick, Jr Driver or Kiddo Bat.
    • Each team member must use a different driving implement.
    • Both team members drive; play best ball
    • If Caddy Chairman for Life, Ben Owen, refers to the Jai Alai Stick as a Lacrosse Stick, please taunt him mercilessly.

    Hole #7: Dance, Too Much Booty in the Pants, Twerking Flash Mob Hole
    • Everyone stand in a circle. Using a tee (or can or club or something), throw it in the air. Whoever it points to is first. Keep doing that until you have your tee off order.
    • First person tees off.
    • They then go to the tee marker in the sightline of a right handed golfer and begin Twerking. (Feel free to sing or play a Twerking song on your phone so that it makes sense…and you don’t look silly.)
    • The next person in the rotation tees off. Then joins the Twerkfest.
    • Continue until all have teed off and are twerking.
    • Both team members drive; play best ball

    Hole #8: Don’t Be a Disc Hole
    • One member of the team tees off with a Frisbee (if you have ever traveled to compete in a Frisbee competition, you must throw with your non-dominant hand and have your eyes closed)
    • Alternate shot until the disc hits the flag.
    • Jello and extreme taunting hole (eat some jello and make fun of each other’s Frisbee chucking ability

    Hole #9: PingityPongity Race to the Hole Hole
    • All teams choose a tee-er-offer. All tee-er-offers line up on the tee box
    • Tee off with the ping-pong ball (do it at the same time…count down or something to coordinate synchronicity).
    • As soon as everyone has teed off, run to your next shot.
    • Race to the hole, alternate shot.
    • First ping-pong ball in the hole scores a 1, 2nd a 2, etc.

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    PROCEED TO AWARDS CEREMONY AT THE BACK OF MIKE D’S EXPLODER

     

  • Mike D. 5:09 pm on March 27, 2014 Permalink | Reply  

    9th Annual Inaugural April Fool’s Day Open to Raise Awareness Frequently Asked Questions 

    Please see below for all the questions we have received at least once. In the case of this event, once = frequently. If you see a question that is not addressed, please scroll through Cheese is Funny to see if we’ve hit it in years past. If not, or you just don’t have time (like you’re just tooooo busy to laugh and laugh…) feel free to post your query in the “reply” space below.

    Q: Why is it important to fill out the registration form? I said I was coming on The FaceBooks.   A: Hundreds of people say they are coming on The FaceBooks just to witness the witty banter that happens pre-AFDO. By filling out the registration form, you not only let us know that you are planning on attending or spectating, but also, whether or not you have a playing partner. Plus, your answers help us design your personalized gift package.

    Q: Is there a rain plan? A: Yes. We plan for it not to rain.

    Q: Yeah, but, for cereal…what if it rains.   A: We’ll back up and punt. It is going to be 70 degrees. We may play in the rain. We may wait it out. We may head directly to TalkSoftly Tavern, have our awards presentation there, then adjourn to Good Intentions for a Jello Shot Wrestling Party. We may defer to alternate plans for a day drinking event (ie bar crawl, bar golf, golf crawl, etc). But, really…it’s not going to rain.

    Q: Do we need golf clubs? A: Yes. Although not golf, this is a golf-like event. Bring the clubs you would usually use for par 3. At the very least bring a short iron and a putter. Also, bring your own golf balls.

    Q: I’ve heard rumors that Miley Cyrus is going to make an appearance for the New Flash Mob Twerking Hole. True? A: Yes

    Q: Will I need to learn how to twerk before Saturday? A: At least figure out how to fake it.

     

    Q: Can we have beer? A: Bur-Mil does not allow outside alcohol. Please buy your beer from Bur-Mil. (However, we always buy them out before noon…you may want to bring some cans of something with you…no bottles).

    Q: What is the deal with the costumes?   A: I have no idea. We’ve never said anything about wearing costumes. It just kind of happened. Costumes aren’t required, but you are more likely to win a semi-intrinsically valuable prize if you look a little silly. Most participants at least wear a funny hat or shirt or something.

    Q: I know that Kenny L, one of the Rules Committee members, was recently shunned due to too many slippery eel references. What does that even mean? A: Please know that Shunning is not to punish, but to show the errors of one’s ways. In this case, please do not look at or speak to Kenny L. If it is absolutely necessary to communicate with him, write the message on a note and staple it to the top of his right foot (that’s the lucky one). If you do not have a staple one will be provided for you.

    Q: I would like to apply for the sweet, sweet role of Caddy Chairmanship next year.   A: We’re sorry, we have already appointed Ben Owen Caddy Chairman for Life. So, that role is filled for the next couple years, probably.

    Q: I forgot to call Caddy Chairman for Life, Ben Owen, and request a caddy.   A: It’s not too late. Caddy Chairman for Life, Ben Owen, will be fulfilling requests up until 10:36 Saturday a.m. Caddy requests must be made by phone, smoke signal or carrier pigeon. Just because you saw Ben in a bar and asked for a caddy, don’t expect him to remember that.

    Q: That reminds me, what time do I need to be there?   A: Kick off is High Noon O’Clock, just like always. So please be at the course by 11:32 in order to sign in, receive your personalized gift package, rules, and pairings info.

    Q: This event does so much good and raises so much awareness. Have you considered choosing a cause?   A: You’re not allowed to ask any more questions.

     

  • Mike D. 5:52 pm on March 23, 2014 Permalink | Reply  

    9th Annual Inaugural April Fool’s Day Open to Raise Awareness Registration Form, Disclaimers, Etc. 

    Those that lived through it this year.

    8th AFDO Participants

    The AFDO is upon us. Kick off is Sat, 3/29/14 at High Noon O’Clock. If you are planning or playing or spectating, please fill out the following form. By filling out this form you waive all (sorry…verbiage yet to be determined by Cheese is Funny crack legal team). (Don’t worry…Heberble is a lawyer…but he’s watching the Carolina game right now, so I’m going to get him to fill in the legal stuff later.)  Please fill out the form by 8:00 am, Friday, March 28, 2018.  If you can’t make the call until later Fri or Saturday am, give us a “maybe”,  so we can kind of plan for you.

    Many of you have asked about costumes…and rain…and prizes…and gift bags…and a bunch of other inane crap. We’ll get back to you. Maybe.

    If you have not called AFDO Caddy Chairman for Life, Ben Owen at 336-(insert Ben’s name here) (…sigh…still not kidding), please do so post haste. If you need a caddy, please let Ben know. If you do not need a caddy, please let Ben know. If you have ideas about ways that Ben could improve the Caddy Chairmanship please let Ben know. If you just want to congratulate Ben on securing this sweet, sweet position, please let him know. The important thing is that you call him. A lot. He’s very lonely.

    I Plan On:(required)

    Playing Partner

    Themed Hole - I think a _______ hole would be swell!

    Kenny L Guest Question: What is your favorite past time?

    IMG_0973

    Thanks so much. Looking forward to it. If you have any questions, comments, complaints, concerns, cumquats, please feel free to share them in the “Reply” area below.

    Regards,

    AFDO Registration Committee

     

    • Allison 8:19 pm on March 25, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Did you see my long pairing comment above?

  • Mike D. 5:10 pm on February 11, 2014 Permalink | Reply  

    A Pussy by Any Other Name 

    Ok...maybe Elvis is dead.

    Ok…maybe Elvis is dead.

    Who would have thought the most difficult aspect of acquiring a cat would be naming the little bastard? (And yes, for a few days in my mind he was Elbee.) Sonja and I have gone halvsies on a free cat. I’m still unclear what my role in raising the beast is, but our first task was coming up with a moniker for the little dude. So, I went to my comfort zone, The FaceBooks, to ask for help. After all of the funny crap, great (not deadly at all) advice, selfies, and general silliness I’ve posted over the years, it was a little disheartening that this was my most popular post ever. Seriously, ever. More popular than when I invented The Republicrat Party. More popular than when we won Tailgate of the Year. More popular than all the ridiculously photogenic pics of Sonja and me. It was jarring.

    We received some great suggestions. Finally, after many ados, we landed on a name. Then the next day she didn’t like that name any longer. We chose another. Later when I called to wish her a “happy lunchtime” (I’m that great a boyfriend) she referred to him by yet another name. It began to get a little silly. But, now after culling and crying and laughing and wailing and gnashing of teeth we have arrived at a name for our cat. Ready? Just kidding, we didn’t really get a cat.

    Just kidding…

    For the thousands in attendance tonight, and millions watching around the world, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together and get your dollar bills out, this kitty is working for tips and tips alone. Please welcome to the main stage Elvis Gandalf Veto YoKitty, Esquire, The First.

    When summoning him we will refer to him as Elvis. For invitations and monogramming please include his entire name. If he is successful in mastering the Muffliato Spell (no, not the sandwich, dumbass) we will call him Gandalf. Actually, if he learns any spells we will call him Gandalf.

    Through this process we have recieved a lot of the same questions over and over. To keep from clogging up the FaceBooks, we have created a FAQ list. You’re welcome.

    Elvis Gandalf Veto YoKitty, Esquire, The First FAQs

    Q: A cat? Really? WTF?

    A: Some of you may have caught this from the original post, but to re-plagiarize Elaine’s boyfriend, Putty, from Rules of Engagement, “It’s all about compromise. She wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. We compromised and got a cat.”

    Q: Hey, the name I suggested was hilarious/great/spot on/purrr-fect (really?)/etc. Why didn’t you use it?

    A: You are correct. We loved the name (insert the name you suggested here). He just didn’t act like a (re-insert the name you suggested here).

    Q: Why did you bristle when I called Elvis a fur baby?

    A: That’s disgusting. We assume that everyone knows that The Fur Baby is a sexual act that is 2.3 times more perverted than a Dirty Sanchez, and about equivalent to a Camel Punch. But, again I’m old. I still giggle when the lady on the commercial talks about Time Warner Cable’s Super DSL service (I’m honestly snickering while I type this). You can call your pet whatever the hell you want, but do you kiss your mom with that mouth?

    Q: What about Pet Parents? Is that term okay?

    A: Sonja did not give birth to a kitten. And cats hate alliterations. What is wrong with you people?

    Q: It’s been rumored that you are training Elvis to be an attack cat. True?

    A: With his agility and ferociousness it would be a shame not to.

    Q: Is it true you just got a cat because without tailgating or MUSEP you were running out of things to put on The Facebooks?

    A: Crap. I guess that about wraps up the FAQs.

    Elvis

     

    • Keith Wilson 5:18 pm on February 11, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I thought Elaine & Putty were on Seinfeld. Did I miss something?

    • Mike D. 5:20 pm on February 11, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      That is correct. Then Putty went on to be on Rules of Engagement. The quote is from that show. 🙂 Thanks for reading.

  • Heberble 1:36 pm on April 8, 2013 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: 000., Bill Gates. $5   

    Hey gang. Just got this in from Bill Gates. Really hoping to get a good swift kick in the junk. After all, if it was on facebook, it must be true, right? Anyways, it couldn’t hurt.

    Its worth a shot

     

  • Mike D. 3:08 pm on April 4, 2013 Permalink | Reply  

    8th Annual Inaugural April Fool’s Day Open to Raise Awareness Rules/Regulations/Suggestions/Apothegms/Words to Live By 

     

    STEP 1: Choose a Rule Reader Person…that person is responsible for reading this silliness on each tee box                      

    Those that lived through it this year.

    Those that lived through it this year.

    STEP 1.3: Check in on the FaceBooks…there is a chance that I remembered to create a location with my iThingy

    STEP 2: Rule Reader Person assign a Score Keeper Person…that person is in charge of math

    STEP 7: Rule Reader Person start reading…have a fun day

    STEP OFF: Please take pics/video…someday people will never believe this stuff….

    Format: Two person teams. Both teammates tee off. Choose and use best ball, then alternate shots.

    Course Rules: Please remember that this is not a Bur-Mil Park sanctioned event. If you are trading favors for tattoos, please do it behind the golf cart shed…and buy a few beers from Bur-Mil to make us appear bonafide.

    AFDO Etiquette

    · Triple bogey is max score. Other than relay holes, put the ball in your pocket after your 6th shot (…and take a 6, genius…sheesh…)

    · Please look at, fondle, get to know and remember your balls. Do not play with, hit or inappropriately touch another team’s balls. (After 5 jello shots this rule is void…play away…)

    · Ready golf. Swing away when ready, but warn those ahead of you. (Do not swing if there is a chance you might hit them)

    · Please let those not participating in the AFDO play through.

    · Taunting is encouraged on every hole. Please verbal taunting only. If you provoke your opponent to the point they take a swing at you, deduct a stroke from your score. If they cry, 2 strokes.

    · If you are in the last group, please bring the implements left on the tee box (tennis racquet, shovel, etc)

    Hole #1: The Great Equalizer Hole

    • Consume one beer prior to teeing off. Save the beer can. Seriously…carry the damn thing with you
    • If you hit or go over the net to the right, have a jello shot…you’re in for a long day anyway…might as well get buzzed up.

    Hole #2: The “Hey Wait…This is the 8th Year? Sweet! That’s What I Normally Shoot on This Hole” Hole

    • Tee off the beer can that you have been carrying with you. If you disposed of it, please drink another beer post haste
    • Both team members drive; play best ball

    Hole #3: “This Shovel Would Make a Fabulous Gift” Hole

    • Please say something nice about our sponsor, The Fabulous Gift, on The FaceBooks or the Twitters…I would make it awareness related, but I don’t want to stifle your creativity…heck you could even put a link to their website: http://www.thefabulousgift.com
    • Tee off with the shovel (both team members hit, use best ball)

    This slideshow requires JavaScript.

     

    Hole #4: “Ummmm, What? He’s Actually Ordained…You’re F-ing Kidding Me…Nope…He’s An Ordained Monk of the Universal Life Church…May Have Him Do My Wedding…Just Kidding” Hole

    • Before you tee off, each team member must publicly admit some law you have broken. (if you say speeding everyone gets to kick you in the jimmy…If you have never broken a law you may want to get better friends…and just admit something bad you’ve done…nekked…). As penance each team member does a jello shot and 1 Hail Mike D. (if you wish and your law breaking is impressive you may do more than one Hail Mike D./jello shot).  Hail Mike D reads:   Hail Mike D, you are the monk. I wish you ruled the world.  Thou art blessed among Yosefs…and tasty is the fruit of thy jello. Suave Mike D, you are king, pray for us now at the hour of our AFDO.    (You may insert your own line here or just say “Amen”)                                  
    • Once you’re done, keep the clubs in the bag. Throw each shot. 1 drive per team. Alternate throw. Keep track of how many throws/rolls it takes to get it in the hole. That is your score.

      Our group had an actual fake priest read the Hail Mike D.

      Our group had an actual fake priest read the Hail Mike D.

    Hole #5: “Your Vegetable is Calling” Hole

    • After the first ball in the group is teed no one can show their teeth until the last person in your 8-some (or 10-some) has teed off.
    • You can’t cover your mouth
    • If someone sees your teeth you have to drink
    • Before you tee off you have to yell “Calling all vegetables. Calling all vegetables. This is Raising Raising, calling Awareness Awareness.” (without showing your teeth)
    • BONUS: This is an Extreme Taunting Hole. Taunt away…but, no teeth…that’s what she said…

    Hole #6: “Your Balls Aren’t Just Blue…They’re a Rainbow…Ungood-Psy-San” Hole

    • Each team, using a lacrosse thrower thingy tees off 1 multi-colored rubber ball.  (ONLY 1 TEAM MEMBER TEES OFF)
    • After all teams have teed off, Rule Reader Person will yell “OPPAN GANGAM STYLE”. Then everyone will do the GANGAM STYLE dance and sing. After 4 rounds of the dance the Rule Reader Person will yell “DO THE HARLEM SHAKE.” Then it is an alternate shot (hitting the rubber ball with golf clubs) race to the hole. First team to hit the stick w/ their multi-colored ball scores a 1. Second a 2…and so on…
    • Failure to abide by the alternate shot rule scores a 7. Police yourselves…we’re all friends here…
    • (Have someone take the balls back to the tee for the next group…and video them doing the Gangam Style stuff…oh, and the running…the running is always funny.)

    Hole #7: “Hey Joanne…That’s Quite a Racquet You Have There…is it new?” Hole

    Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?

    Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?

    • Say something nice about Joanne’s Boobs. If she is not in your group, please say it loudly enough for her to hear.
    • Tee off with the tennis racquet (each team member tees off…play best ball

    Hole #8: Blue Steel Hole

    • Pose. Take a Blue Steel pic…You may make the calendar.
    • Tee off with the dog-ball-thrower-thingy.
    • Both teammates tee off…play best ball

    Hole #9: “And then Jesus Rose From the Dead and Brought Cadbury Eggs to all the Good Boys and Girls” Hole

    • Both teammates tee off. Use best ball. When you get on the green, replace your ball with a Cadbury Egg and putt out.
    • Go to church…sinner.

    This slideshow requires JavaScript.

     

  • Mike D. 11:36 am on March 23, 2013 Permalink | Reply  

    8th Annual Inaugural (That Means First, J. Alex) April Fool’s Day Open to Raise Awareness Registration Form 

    Awareness will be raised, my friends. Awareness. Will. Be. Raised.

    Raising Awareness...one jello shot at a time.

    Raising Awareness…one jello shot at a time.

    It’s that time of year. Time for our favorite golf-like activity.

    Where: Bur-Mil Goat Track and Country Club (Sponsors’/Players’/Spectators’/Friends of AFDO Gala at Speakeasy Tavern after closing ceremonies)

    When: Saturday, 3/30, Registration/Gift Package Pickup: 11:28  Kick-off: High Noon O’Clock

    ****Please fill out registration form in its entirety by Friday, 3/29 (making the pairings for this event is a freaking nightmare…would you people please stop hooking up with each other?)

    Caddies: Please call Caddy Chairman For Life, Ben Owen, to reserve your caddy. If you do not need a caddy, please call Caddy Chairman For Life, Ben Owen, and tell him you do not need a caddy. If you are not playing, please call Caddy Chairman For Life, Ben Owen, and tell him that a really hot girl was asking about him at the bar the other night, but for the life of you, you can’t remember who it was.

    Playing Status

    Handicap

    Thank you. Hope to see you there. If you would like to be included on the Official FaceBooks invite, let me know (more info, easier to read, a prize in every box). If not, please remember, that you don’t have to be on the golf course or in a bar to raise awareness…awareness is raised every time a baby cries…or when you punch someone in the throat for asking if boned and de-boned mean the same thing…or…well…you know how to raise it, but much like the poet said…Just Do It.

    Regards,

    AFDO Rules Committee and Registration Posse

    Can the Brancatos retain the belt?

    Can the Brancatos retain the belt?

     

  • Heberble 11:00 am on March 31, 2012 Permalink | Reply  

    First tee 

    This is going to be a long day. If you hit it over the net, you have to impregnate your playing partner

    20120331-122943.jpg

     

  • Heberble 10:25 am on March 31, 2012 Permalink | Reply  

    AFDO pairings party 

    Delicious Bakery sponsors the pairings party with some amazing pimento cheese (it’s funny) and salted caramel brownies. It isn’t quite noon and Bur-Mil is already sold out of beer.

    20120331-115444.jpg

     

  • Mike D. 2:45 pm on March 24, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: AFDO, , April Fool's Day Open Registration   

    7th AFDO Registration Form 

    Welcome to the 7th Annual Inaugural (That Means “First”, J. Alex) April Fool’s Day Open to Raise Awareness Registration Form. Please fill out the form in its entirety by March 30th 2012…unless you don’t plan on playing…in that case, complete at your convenience.

    AFDO Important Details:

    Locale:  Bur-Mil Country Club (see link for prices, directions, etc).

    When: Saturday, March 31, 2012 (Yes…I know this isn’t April Fool’s Day…but, having it on Sunday makes for a bad Monday.)

    Tee Time: High Noon O’clock (Please arrive by 11:30 for registration, to square up with Bur-Mil and for the Opening Ceremonies.)

    Other Details (Please see the AFDO FAQs) Click “more” for the form… (More …)

     

    • Cindy Johnson 9:06 pm on March 26, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Sorry to miss this event again this year :(! I’m going to be in Charleston trying to get over that bridge along with 42,999 other people…I just hope I’m not the last one over the bridge…lol! Hope it’s a great event and you raise lots of awareness!!

    • Mike D. 5:58 pm on March 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      It’s amazing that they continue to have a competing event with us…it’s like they don’t have a calendar…sure, let’s put the World Series and the Super Bowl on the same day…chuckleheads…

    • Felicia 6:50 am on March 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      I honestly thought it was an AFD joke that this would be played on Saturday (which by the way is the 31st, not the 30th). So I will plan to stop by and cheer/jeer before/during the awareness raising but will definitely come to Speakeasy after the event to toast the winners and whoever is still sober enough to play corn hole.

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